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CHASING RAINBOWS. or not?

goodbye to you, goodbye to everything i thought i knew.
with one step at a time, maybe i could save the world.
=]

Stocktake

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it’s almost been 3 years since I’ve return back from the UK
2 years 11 months to be exact.

so far i have realised what made me successfully rest so well in UK was because i invested into silence and solitude – and these made me healthy from the inside, a solid block, sharp, and good to be used by God.

maybe its the amount of work, the amount of ministry, the many things and people who call my attention here.
but i have lost that solitude and silence.. and am relearning the hard way to have it back.
it took my soul a dive, my eyes off tracked, my mind into desperation for air before i realise that i am so far from how i originally was – thriving, alive, free, aligned, in love with God.

Singapore seemed to have screamed for me to love its things… until i forgot what it was like to be in love with God again. So deeply in love that when I’m not in His presence.. i just know it. I just know it within minutes.

now is good time to recaliberate.

Lord.. teach me to practice silence and solitude.. and simplicity.

even in busy Singapore. Let my eyes be trained on you. My heart set on you. And let all desires go under You.

HBL x Part 2

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another year.

a 2nd year.

of HBL.

what will be different this time?

what can i do differently this time?

how can i set better boundaries this time?

how will i grow?

where are you Lord?

I lift my eyes, for my comfort come from you and you alone.

i cannot trust mere men and fleeting words.

one word against another, one man against another – is this the world we live?

one sin after another, news one after another – can i continue doing this?

i cannot trust the promises of what’s ahead from this world.

even in the darkest times.

be real to me.

June 2020

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Hoping phase 2 comes soon.

Hope phase 2 never comes.

Decisions, some big, mostly small.

If anything has increased, my prayer life, my awareness of myself, my awareness of the world, my time with God, my actions immersing myself in His presence.. has grown more than 100%.

Stewarding my life… my desires, my heart, my mind, my energy is so much more painful and tougher than i thought. it’s harder when i know i could have prevented it, when i know it lies in my own actions, it was my choice. So Holy Spirit. Help me :’/

if i need to go through this, let me find my greatest comfort in you. greatest saviour you.

if this is what it feels like to start my big 3-0. then. ouch. ouch. ouch. wow.

i feel it. there’s going to be more coming my way. its like anticipating a wave. a very very big one.

i hope i get out alive. and kicking.

The world is going crazy… and I just hold on, dear life, to the anchor.

you, don’t have to do a thing.

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this month has been a little harder.

ok, actually it has been a lot. i think i knew something was wrong when i started feeling moody (at first i thought it was because of my cramps..), but then i realised i started to feel like i wanted to cry for no reason.. but usually mood swings can be made ‘better’ with nice food. this time, i didn’t really want to talk to anyone, and just be alone. also no appetite even for my favourite food. so. nope. mood swing is out of the question.

until it dawn upon me this is me feeling stressed this coVid period. how stress looks like for me (i’m not the kind who will buckle in work, just leave it or throw in the towel for work.. but this is how it looks like instead.)

CoVid is a pain. i dislike restrictions, and it makes me feel stuck, confined… but if one thing i have learnt is to work around it. staying in the presence of God has been one of, if not, the best healer. restoration is a daily process.

As much as i want to point fingers at it… i know this has helped me develop a little bit more each day on the inside. i need that. everyday, God, mould me a little bit more. its painful.. but i’m willing to work through pain – i say, with a very very hesitant heart. i know and i admit it is necessary. I lean on God more than ever… and am thankful for people He has placed around me.

May i walk out of this a new becky.

not one who does more… but a more restful one.

Something in the water.

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April 19th. 2020.

today is different. i just know it.

I hadn’t had good deep sleep the past week – probably thinking about many things in ministry and life and school… but this morning when i woke up. i was totally rested.

—

deut 32:7-12
7“Remember the days of old,
Consider the years of many generations.
Ask your father, and he will show you;
Your elders, and they will tell you:
8 When the Most High divided their inheritance to the nations,
When He separated the sons of Adam,
He set the boundaries of the peoples
According to the number of the [c]children of Israel.
9 For the Lord’s portion is His people;
Jacob is the place of His inheritance.

10 “He found him in a desert land
And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;
He encircled him, He instructed him,
He kept him as the apple of His eye.
11 As an eagle stirs up its nest,
Hovers over its young,
Spreading out its wings, taking them up,
Carrying them on its wings,
12 So the Lord alone led him,
And there was no foreign god with him.

—

PROCESSING THOUGHTS AND CONSIDERING/REMEMBERING

Today marks the first time (and hopefully many more times!) I teared while reading an old testament book about LAWS. Aka the entire Deuteronomy 32. Like legit, I took time to read the whole chapter to myself ALOUD. And my voice just cracked when I hit v7-12.

The whole 32 was beautiful. It is a song Moses presents to his people. I actually think it is not Miriam, but MOSES who is the real worship leader/pastor/coordinator/whatever of that time.. and miriam his sister might have just learned from him with tambourines and all.

While v7-12 talks about Jacob and it is his recounting, I can imagine Moses thinking about HIMSELF too – after all, his path was eerily similar. Remembering his past, how he ran away from Egypt, hiding alone in the desert, and God finds him in that wasteland too.. where Moses has no purpose but to look after sheep. It was the Lord alone that lead him out too.. BACK into Egypt to do great things Moses never thought he was ever to. Moses left strained – a poor leader and prince of his past, yet because of grace, kindness and love of a Father, Moses came back a new leader – fresh.

My voice cracked, I blinked away many many  (many many many many) tears, I held my breath… and as I continued reading, I felt the Holy Spirit just came onto me again.

I knew why –  because this felt eerily similar to me too.

When I left ILC in 2015, broken, confused, a bad leader, a worst sinner and a girl at the tail end of the fight and new to the love of Jesus again… I was whisked to London. I left Singapore having gone through a few months of fighting the govt, I had no idea why I was going to London when my eyes were set on US. God was playing a practical joke on me.

Yet my first year in the UK would allow space to purify me like never before. It wasn’t even a full year… maybe 10 months or less. I redeemed back 2…4.. 8 years. I was still in forming from there, but my starting point was different.

I recall how much agony the first 3 months in UK was. And out of the agony and confusion, i even almost quit school after 2 weeks in Royal Holloway. But that agony drove me – the first morning in UK, i remember as clear as day – every single morning at 6am – even before I had breakfast or checked my phone, I opened my bible at my desk accompanied by worship instrumentals on my laptop.

I didn’t even have a notebook to write my letters to God, I was so ill prepared to be in UK – I went a few doors down and knocked on a total strange’s door for a piece of paper – A china girl gave me a brand new notebook, she said I could have it all. It was a pink notebook with sheep prints all over it. How odd (and perhaps a tad bit prophetic…)

Never even in my life will I have been so desperate for some light. But in agony and confusion, what other hope did I have. Faithfully, every, single, morning. This never stopped. What else can I do?

Nothing happened the first few weeks. Not even the first month perhaps. It was a lot of anger, pain, why, torment… I was so emotional, but I still read the Word every single morning. and then He sent the right friends. Natalie, Truman, Chisenga. Friends who love God – they were close to Him, could see things I still couldn’t, prophetic, lovely, intimate with Jesus.

Me still emotional. still kept reading the Word, every single morning.

then the massive spiritual attack happened which I will never forget the rest of my life. A demon so massive, which tried to take my life, and God fought for me to keep my life intact. I left the room feeling odd….. like there were someone  on my left and right walking and guarding me. Angels probably.

I still kept reading the Word.

And months later… revelations came like a river. It came so fast I couldn’t keep up with journalling – I switched to typing. I had clarity. I had favour which did not make any sense.

The season would come where random people started to prophesy and pray over me. A swiss lady prayed for me and told me she saw that I had stepped out of place where I was teaching, a far away country… and now I am here in the UK. “God says He is so pleased with you.” 😥 

That was all I needed.

I don’t where and how exactly change happened. I cannot fully explain it to others when they asked me how I change.

I even more so cannot explain how I got raised, was called through people (i finally realise how scary it is to be called clearly and personally by God… everyone wants someone to prophecy over them, but when it happened i was FREAKED OUT) and jumped “many ranks” to become a YP and Zone Leader from just a mere area leader which in between had 3 years of no connection to ILC. Who comes back from 3 years of study and immediately takes over 200 people from the previous 50?

All I knew was it was it start with many 6ams with just a bible, and instrumental pnw.

I know. God led me alone. I made my own choices. Even when many good people were placed around me… really. in the darkest moments. He led me alone. And I had absolutely no time and space to have any foreign gods.

He found him in a desert land
And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;
He encircled him, He instructed him,
He kept him as the apple of His eye.
11 As an eagle stirs up its nest,
Hovers over its young,
Spreading out its wings, taking them up,
Carrying them on its wings,

12 So the Lord alone led him,
And there was no foreign god with him.

—

We are all home in this CoVid situation. And i must have. I felt God slammed the reset button not only for the world, but particularly, for me.

I spent time, recalling, healing, being thankful, confessing, everything. This feels like my sabbath season :’)

I didn’t admit to myself earlier, and maybe my feelings didn’t catch up yet – but taking over so much was really really really hard. In my 29 years of my life, I had never been so condemned and attacked by the enemy on a daily basis. It was so hard that I told God to take away my positions if He deemed me no longer suitable.. I said either to expand my capacity or take it all away… because I just couldn’t. I was willing.. but it was running so thin I could hardly breathe. My body was suddenly breaking (by His grace.. I only had 2 days MC though…), my hair grew grey suddenly.

But He still sustained me.

—

Today He told me 30 was nothing… compared to what else was going to be ahead.

People say hitting 30 (i tell myself its a long way, cause I am a December baby after all..) is big. My closer friends in church says we are all like 20 anyway. But I kind of am glad I am 30 – and I fully embrace it. I won’t play it down and say i’m 20. I am really turning 30. and I will have at least 30 more years of ministry to go wherever I am planted, in school, work, church, etc. 30 years of serving Him.

If the last 30 years, I stand in excitement but yet also in fear and trembling of what the next 30 will hold. I knew since young I was only made for big things… and 30, is only still the moulding.  I haven’t even hit my prime. 40 will be SO GOOD. 50 will be OUT OF THIS WORLD. and it keeps going.

Maybe one day I will be persecuted,  die for the faith, I might be thrown in jail, head of a great organization, a wife partnering with an equally crazy guy out there in the world/Singapore

…or I might just be a stay home mom trying to school a couple of kids, just a quiet supporter of a husband who is trying his best to stay afloat in life or through each other’s health/sickness, or a single woman who is just a regular teacher in school.

Either way, it is ALL exciting, even yes, what may seem dull to individuals. as long as God is with me. the what and where no longer matter to me. My dreams which were so concrete since a child are now like sand which passes through my fingers. It will come. now that I know who I am  and whose I belong to, I will be faithful in my little. I will only walk closest with the Father.

I know it will be a crazy next 30 years. And then another 30 maybe again 🙂

One day I will look back  at all these, and be so thankful for all these life defying moments 🙂

 

a check.

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1 year out of UK. plus a few more months.

and i’ve realised i’ve grown even more than ever.
that includes my weight too haha.

for the record, i think i need to take a timeout to say.
i’m thankful that I have a heavenly Father who loves me so much.
And that He knows me better than I ever do (or think i do)..

i look back – 5 years, 10 years.
And realise: wow. i’m glad i made it through. not alone, cause it would have been just ok but empty… but with the Father.

empty but full is a good way to live.

where would i be?

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i rather be in tears and be at the bottom of the ladder rung –
yet heart completely sold out and faithful to who I am in standing with God
… than be in ecstasy, amongst the highest of praises and golden lining of clouds, yet with a heart completely hardened, unfeeling, soul pining after men and its latest conquest.